Being Me

Being Me is like being locked out. As though one day things got just that little too painful and I opened the door and ran out of myself … and I could never get back in.
And that’s what my life has been about, trying to get back through the door. I’ve never succeeded, not once. The most I can manage on a good day is standing on tiptoe and looking in through the window. On the bad days I can’t find the house. On the worst days I forget I ever had one.

Imagine this. You are a child. You run out of your house. You come back some time later only to find you’ve locked yourself out. For the rest of your life. So do you adapt to always being on the outside looking in?

Yes of course you do. Absolutely. Most of the time anyway. Well sometimes. Actually I’m lying. Never.

Idea for a scene
A a whole crowd of Me’s from my past are having a party. Quite a depressed gathering in all probability. Hundreds of Me’s from different times, at all the various epochs of my life. Interesting thought though, would they be from dramatic occurences or merely mundane? Why would each Me be there? For instance a Me at 12 years old pops up. He’s dressed in his St Marylebone Grammar School uniform. Why him though? Why not the Me from the day after when I was at home in the weekend in civvies, climbing a tree or bullying my kid brother?

My mind’s boggling. Okay let’s just assume a position and make some ground rules here. We don’t need to know, not just yet anyway, why each Me pops up. It’s quite enough, for the moment anyway, that he does.


Right, having settled that, what would a whole crowd of different Me’s do? Would we like each other? Hate some of us and quite like others? Could we love any of ourselves? What would we talk about? Would we argue? And if so what about? Would we blame specific ones for the disasters they got us into that beset our later life? Praise those who got us out of scrapes? Would we, all of Me’s, take the credit for everything, - because though we might not have been present at whatever occurrence we are still Me? Might groups of Me’s gang up on each other? Even resort to violence? Possibly even muggings?    Is it actually theoretically possible that two groups of Me’s could end up declaring war on each other? And if so would there have to be Me spies in both camps, prepared to rat on other Me’s?


I suppose since there could be no secrets from any of us that there would be no holds barred, like fighting between brothers, which I suppose is the nearest thing to fighting yourself.

Things are getting a wee bit complex here, because if I am observing this scene then who is the Me doing the observing? And if there is a Me looking at the Me doing the obsserving, then, to be aware of that Me there must be another Me just behind him observing him doing the observing.                                  Suddenly I see an endless queue of Me’s stretching to infinity all observing the one in front observing.

So if it’s not a Me, who actually ends up observing all this?

I will call him X.


Is X my Higher Self? Is he the God living in my brain?

I suppose he could be a member of a viewing committee made up of the Me’s of all Sentient Beings past, present and future invited by unknown forces to observe this highly original party of Me’s, the first time such a party has been thrown in the history of the Universe? Well this Universe anyway. Because I suppose that, as the Alchemists said: "As above so below" so for every Me in my hypothetical gathering, there must be a Universe to match him. Ouch I'm boggling again.


Here I would like to interject a thought. Has it occurred to anyone that,  possibly, the occasion which is reputed to have heralded in this Universe with such a big bang, could have been a flash in God’s pan, an experiment that exploded accidentally instead of simmering for a few quadrillion eons at oven mark 3?
Further on in this hypothesis can we please bring our incredibly important minds to bear on the fact that after this insignificant (to G-d anyway and also maybe even to God) failed experiment He/It/She/They or X, washed his hands of the whole thing and started another far more successful Universe next door? And what’s more, never came to visit, never guided us in all our myriad problems, never performed those Godlike deeds for which we are so pathetically grateful, in fact was quite unaware of our existence...


....and more to the point after taking a quick look at our poor botched Universe he went:


“Oh shit, too much salt.” And binned it.


Oh my X, were we trashed? The ignominy. And yet somehow, judging from what we are doing to our World,  it doesn't seem too far-fetched.