THE REAL STORY BEHIND THE PAINTING OF THE HAYWAIN, BY JOHN CONSTABLE
February 1821
It was a brilliantly overcast day, the humid clouds banking down on the horizon and the rooks cumbersome in the cold Suffolk air. The wind was futile and restrained, the air heavy and somnolent.
Ebenezer Worzel and his cousin, Thou Sluggard (a name inspired by his mother totally misunderstanding a sermon on Sloth) were walking along a country lane when all of a sudden Ebenezer was run over and instantly killed by a passing haywain.
The only other witness, apart from Thou Sluggard, was John Constable the famous Painter, who was chasing after the haywain at the time in a fruitless attempt to sketch it.
As he said afterwards “What a bloody useless day, from now on I’m only doing landscapes.”
Thou Sluggard ran to Ebenezer's succor. But he was too dead to help. So he made a quick search of the body for any valuables that the undertaker might nick.
“Excuse me” came a cultured voice from behind him.
Thou Sluggard turned in one lithe movement, as opposed to his usual several flabby ones, to behold a small crabby little man with protuberant eyes, bloodshot nose and indeterminate teeth.
“He looks awfully dead. May I sketch you?”
For yes it was John Constable.
"No probs" quoth Thou Sluggard pocketing a very flat and now totally useless fob watch which had been Ebenezer's pride and joy.
Within no time at all Constable had drawn a passing fair likeness of Thou Sluggard.
“Would you like to star in my next painting?” queried Constable highly impressed by Thou Sluggard’s stationary abilities.
“You could earn a pretty penny.” And with this aesthetically pleasing financial inducement Thou Sluggard stepped into his new career.
Many years later he confided to his brother 'A tooth for a tooth' the story behind Constable’s famous painting The Haywain.
“Oh yes that were a grand toime, that were, Mr Constable invoited me to come and stay at Willy Lott’s cottage and there I lived for the entire shoot.
(A word to the ignorant. The cottage in the left hand corner is called Willy Lott’s cottage.)
“Of course as soon as the painting got well known Willy made a fortune from the tourists but when I knew him he was as poor as a church mouse. So he was grateful for the little fee he got from Mr Constable for putting me up. That’s my bedroom window on the left of the house.
The painting? Yes I know the whole story. First of all you see the Haywain in the pond? Well there wasn’t no pond there at all, he put that in afterwards, said the painting looked too dry. A stickler he was Mr C. And the clouds! Don’t talk to me about them clouds, took him months until he was happy with them. Mustn’t be too sunny, mustn’t be too overcast, had to be just right. So he would get up in the morning and just wait for the right clouds meanwhile I’d be sitting there all day on the Haywain bored out of me skull.
By the way that’s me sitting in the Haywain though you can only see my back. He originally intended to have me facing the easel. It happened like this. I’d already spent every day for three months sitting in the cart facing him while we waited for the right weather, then one day he shouted:
“By Jove, those are the right clouds!”
So naturally I turned to look at them and quick as a flash he had painted the clouds and me looking at them! So I never got my face in it, but I still have the shirt as proof.
Another interesting fact, when Mr Constable shouted “By Jove those are the right clouds” his dog Sparky rushed right into frame and just stayed there wagging his tail, so Mr Constable had no choice but to put him in. Mr Constable said afterwards that Sparky must have thought he said:
“Come on Sparky time for walkies.”
But between you and me I think he did it on purpose, I never got on with that dog he was just too pushy for words - always ‘just happening’ to make himself the centre of attraction.
Well that’s show business I suppose - there is Sparky in the foregound hamming it up and I hardly get a look in. Sickening.
Interestingly enough there was a whole crowd of gawpers from the village, which were also originally in the painting. Some were leaning out of the windows of the cottage to get a good look, others were lurking behind that tree in the middle and peeping out from that bush in the middle, a few had even climbed up that tree on the left to get a good look and young James Postlethwaite that was later decorated at Waterloo, the station not the war, he was standing in the toilets while they were being redecorated and got covered in paint, but that’s another story. Anyway young James was right in the centre next to the dog. He was waving at the easel and shouting: “Hello Mum!”
Mr Constable kept him in for a bit but later decided that although factually true he wasn’t artistically credible so reluctantly had to paint him out. In fact he painted everybody out. He even had a mind to paint me out but I complained. I said look Mr C, I said, I’ve been sat sitting like an idiot on that cart every day for three months it’s just not fair to paint me out and leave the dog in.” Luckily he relented but it was touch and go for a moment .
That horse was a bloody nuisance too. You never saw such a fidgety animal. You can see two horses in the painting right? Not so. Mr C painted his backside and then went on to do a bit of clouds and when he looked again blast me if the bloody animal hadn’t moved in front so he had to paint him there and pretend there were two. That’s why it all came out a bit blurry. Mr Constable pretended he didn’t mind he said he’d invented impressionism, but I think he was just trying to make the best out a bad job.
I told him before we started I said “That nag is too highly strung, it’ll make problems,” but Mr Constable didn’t pay no heed. Stubborn old cuss he was. But happen he was right after all, who’s to tell?
