Monday 10 June 2013

JACK CHASES UNCLE PERCY

Jack is almost positive that he has just seen his long-lost Uncle Percy sailing past him on the River Luffey in a sailboat of emerald hue.
He decides to give chase.

JACK'S brain
“Brain to Eyes, focus ASAP on man in green boat.”

Eyes
“Am focusing asap on man in green boat.
Subject disappearing round bend in river, over.”

JACK'S brain
“Sod it! Legs please start running along the embankment.”

Legs
“WHAAT? Please repeat.”

JACK'S brain
"It's very simple. Please start running along
the embankment."

Legs
"Are you out of your head? We haven't gone
faster than a stroll in years."

JACK'S brain
"I repeat, legs start running - this is a Red alert."

INNER EAR
“Brain, why are we going round in circles -
I’m getting dizzy.”

RIGHT Leg
“It’s Left Leg, I'm doing all the work as usual,
the lazy bastard.”

LEFT Leg
“I can’t help it if I’m delicate. Oh why does no-one
understand me?”

JACK'S brain
"Stop squabbling you two, this is an emergency!"

Lungs
"Lungs to Brain, what the fuck's happening?"

JACK'S brain
"I wondered when you’d start moaning.
We are, what is technically known as
‘running’ if you must know."

Lungs
“Running? At our age? You must be mad.
How do you expect me to distribute all
that oxygen? By airmail?"

JACK'S brain
"I’m sorry but this is a Red Alert."

Lungs
"I don't care what colour it is, I won't
be seen panting like this, it's demeaning."

Left Ankle
"Left Big toe to Brain, have hit a rock, have
hit a rock!!"

JACK'S brain
"Oh for Heaven's sake!! Emergency!! Emergency!!
Now hear this, now hear this, all leave is cancelled until further notice!
Hands hold Left Big Toe!
Right leg start desperately hopping up and down.
Face contort into the ugliest rictus you can make.
Speech Mechanism please scream in a high pitched poofy voice:
"Ouch, ouch, ouch! Shit, buggar, bum, bollocks!”
Tear ducts supply two fluid ounces, let me know if you need any salt.
Circulation, please supply one bruise to left Big Toe and nothing too artistic love cos we're going swimming on Friday!
Pain Centre, I want a sharp shooter now, a throb for half an hour and a dull ache for a fortnight.

And Self-Destructive Mechanism, please see me in my office NOW!


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