Love thy Neighbour and then Cook Him

Hello again. Tonight a little dish I created myself. It's called Skull and Crossbones.
First the Skull. Choose the Head with care – mugging victims are always favourite, there's a lot of them, they're usually fresh and very cheap.
Steer well clear of suicides, they often taste bitter and there's something rather depressing about the flesh.
Remember, you don't want your head too old so do inspect it for wrinkles and broken blood vessels.
These days with the prevalence of cosmetic operations make sure you check carefully for plastic surgery scars as these can hide a multitude of sins. Note that botox and silicone taste revolting and will completely ruin the dish. You have been warned!
Look for a good pair of jowls and strong knotty jaw muscles – that's where most of the meat is. But please don't ignore the rest of the head.
Gum with mint sauce is nice and chewy, thin ears make excellent crackling and eyelids are as good as crisps any day.
By the way Tongue in Cheek makes an excellent TV Supper.
Some gourmets like the heady bouquet of an Alcoholic's Nose, delicious canned, stewed or pickled and again always in constant supply.
If you like Brain, buy your head in a University Town, they're usually bigger and easy to get as their owners are often notoriously bad drivers.
Do go easy on Double Chins, I know they're a temptation and delicious with Housemaid's Knee or Tennis Elbow, but oh the cholesterol!
As for the Eyes, you have the old standbyes of course, Iris Stew and Cornea on the Cob, but normally I use them for decoration, just giving them a slight glaze. Some of my colleagues find this short-sighted of me, they maintain that one can make a most successful Eyes Cream. If you try this do scale them for contact lenses first.
Before cooking, soften the Head in a sauna for half an hour, then blanch the cheeks, comb the hair and jug it.
Well so much for the SKULL, now for the CROSSBONES.
Do choose Arms that aren't too brawny. Weightlifters biceps might look tempting but take a tip, they're just tough and boring – so forearmed is forewarned.
Slender arms look elegant, hold a surprising amount of meat and are very tender – excellent for Muscles Marinieres.
As for the Fingers, snip off the thumbs and hey presto Petit Fours!
My next article is entitled: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" with diagrams.
I will also be preparing a real Shepherd's Pie and demonstrating how to plug up a 'Cock a Leekie'.

At last, the built-in cliché critic

This is me after friends superglued my fist to my chin.
The pic has nothing to do with the following piece.

“Good Lord is that the time?” Frowned Jack.
Just one question: how you can ‘frown’ a piece of dialogue? Frowning is a word used to describe creasing the forehead in worry or stress, it’s not for emitting sounds from the mouth.
He jerked out of bed
As opposed to jerking off? Come on get real- you can’t just use any word. Try something that actually describes the action.
and ran to the bathroom his feet pitter pattering on the parquet.
Hang on, is this a kids’story all of a sudden? Decide on the genre for Christ’s sake.
He regarded his reflection in the mirror
As opposed to the toilet?
and ruminated on the wrinkles and creases that permeated his grey visage. Old age has no charms he thought just the dreadful inevitable decline into the grave.
If I need to be depressed I’ll look at my bank balance.Do me a favour - try and be a bit more entertaining. The odd joke might help.
He shrugged into his clothes
What is he, French!
and made for the door.
What did he make for it? A handle?
Just as he was about to head for the office
Ah, suddenly he's a soccer player
he saw the letter lying on the door mat. He stooped to pick it up, his old bones creaking like dry wood.
If this goes on I’ll have a nervous breakdown.
The buff envelope contained a sinister missive.
Yeah I know those sinister missives, they’re usually a final notice from the gas board. I got one this morning, did you have to remind me?
It was anonymous, there was no signature.
Oh is that what it means? Thanks for clearing that up for us.
and was written in exquisite handwriting on Basildon Bond paper . His heart beating madly he read the dread words.
“I know your secret, you monster and you will rue the day you were born. You’ll be hearing from me sooner than you think.”
Jack crumpled the paper in his gnarled hands and gazed unseeingly out of the window.
So his secret was out in the open at last. He felt a strange sense of relief. At least there was no further need for concealment.
The bullet came through the window and hit him in the heart.
He was dead before he reached the floor.
I just went to the toilet – I hope you haven’t perpetrated any horrors while I was… what on earth…? I don’t believe this, you cowardly little creep, you got rid of him as soon as my back was turned. You couldn’t bear a few words of constructive criticism so you killed him off.
I wash my hands of you, you’re a waste of space…what do you think you’re doing? Put down that pen, you fool, you’ll never get away with… aaaggggh!

Suddenly Jack woke up and realised that it had all been a bad dream.
He looked around, there was no critic, he could write what he liked, he had won.
Oh yeah? Well strangely enough I was in the same dream too, you moron, you don’t get rid of me that easily. Pathetic!